Change

You've come to misunderstand
That I am more than you thought

I've learned what's been taught
I'm less than I thought

We've both been duped
And it pulled more than a few hairs
And more than a few years

I see, or so I think I see
That as I've reestablished my ground
Yet you think I was worse off

I was, am, and will be fine
But it's harder to learn alone
When we forget and need reminding
So I placed a trust upon you

It proved to work so far so well

But time has recycled
And I will not wear your definition of me
Just like I've refused the past few

I may change through learning
But I am still the same

You may stay mistaken
And I'll try to not give up

Someday we'll both see
why we received what we received
and why I took my step towards growth and change
and you stayed to see the worst of me

They say...

There are times in life that shape who we are. These times are many.
I want to say "I am because," but in actuality "things are because I am." And it's these times that only help me to better see myself than to become myself. My potential has always been, I may just be reluctant to being it sometimes. It's a choice to be less than what I am, and I try to choose otherwise.
These experiences with agency teach me to be more like who I am, to learn more of who I am.
I chose to accept the responsibility to be me and to accept the consequences of choices I and others make.
I propose that "things are because I am" because life was made for us as individuals.
Life is tailored to who we are. My life has been tailored according to my strengths, my weaknesses, my talents, my passions, my fears, to me - to who I am.
I am not tailored for the life I experience.

Smiles (My Friends)

Are like pieces of sunshine you can gobble up
You can just keep eating
You won't get fat
You only look more beautiful

I love your smile when you think I'm funny
You'll hug me and laugh out loud
With great light in your eyes

Your smile when I quickly kiss your cheek
Gives me butterflies
To know I've made you happy
Your smille when you hug me
I know we are great friends

The smile you shine makes me feel so young
I love your special laugh
And knowing you're being yourself
And you've made me a best friend

You're a babe with your smile
Your stupid jokes and mocking laugh
My best friend and favorite brother
Most contagious smile

I keep your smiles in my pockets
Pull them out now and then
Try them on and love my days

let's build our mirrors and face each other

your life is a thread intertwined,
interconnected with mine

our friends, the passing people
the problems, the blessings
spinning, weaving
in and out
over, under
back and forth
picking up, dropping, cutting, adding

with this one hand
I'll grab your other
You grab theirs and off we go
A tapestry to make

We'll find loose ends and tie them up
Snip the splits
and trim the edges
as this tapestry is growing

Like ants toward the bread crumb
Our lives are amassing
coloring the wall
until the nails that hang us can no longer be seen
through the master weaver
coordinating the colors
with each unique square
on that paint-by-numbers map

I'll stand here
If you'll stand there
Here's my end,
Let's make this beginning

Take each
tiny
delicate
silver
celestial
glass
piece
(I'll grab the last one out from your poor eye)
and meld your mirror together there
as I plant my own here

And as standing tapestries
Look.

Si Sabes, Si Supiste ... Se Que Supe (Heads Up)

[probably the weirdest creative juice spill you'll get from me]

Take it!
One and two and thee and four
Five where you running off to?
Connect it!
Make the highest five.
Yeah, yeah
Supe que sabes
Se que supiste
Pero si sabes
Si supiste
EXPLOOM!

Yeah, yeah
If you know
If you knew
You'd know
no wouldn't you?

See the picture
Finger paints splatter the wall
wall
wall
Yeah, Yeah
Can't you see the babe in the cradle
the child on the swing
me dancing in the field
and yeah, yeah
nunco nunco
si, nunco
You'll never know.

But
one two three
if you saw me
dive off the cliff
right into that jello called life
Bouncing
Sinking
Slipping
MMMMMM delicious
Nom nom nom.
You would understand
Now wouldn't you?

Pero, no me entiendes.
Que triste
Monsieur rectangle.

just get to the point.

Yeah, yeah
This window would change
Deform
Malfunction
Soy
that window
would change
now wouldn't it?
Si sabes
Si Supiste
Se que supiste
Y no puedes saber mas
no mas.

Yoj

Take me in
Submerse me
Collect the glittering specks
Flaming, bursting masses
Occupying the beautiful space
That is yet to be filled.
Collect them.
Each and every one.

Now...
As a rock I was
Change me
Crush me
Into rapids flowing down the creek
Into waterfalls plummeting
Singing in agony
Singing in praise
As the pool so carefully stirs
Churns particles of life
Into me.
Open me.
Open my soul,
My heart,
My mind.

With each blossoming galaxy
Whisper
Where the words lie extinct
Whisper
And with your glory
Each blessing place
Like soft petals pressed into a rose
To grow within this spacious cavity.

Fill it.
Constellations
Fiery sunrises
Moon reflections
Prairie oceans
Towering majesties
Steadfast trees
Glimmering seas
All illuminated by your glory
Fill it.
Fill me.

In one uncharted valley
You fill with love, light, and life
Indescribable, pure joy
The symphony for my being
I can't imagine abandoning.

Fill me
Once more
Please.

Demons on the Brow

Lengthy nights come on after the other
like static in the airwaves
not one change in the wind
as the wind outside my room stirs
and spins
and twists
with the storm
inside my mind.
Neither can be separated.
Not even the room or my skull
create a boundary thick enough.
The demons tied me up
and slowly started skinning
conjuring thoughts that never existed
from my sweet memories they find
along with the stressful nightmares.

It's at night when that looming darkness
creeps and pounces upon my soul
after checking that the coast is clear
that no one is there to prevent me from
screaming
pulling my hair
crying
pleading
killing my poor innocence.
no one there to hold me
until my lips can barely utter one silent prayer.

They crouch around me
with all my dead birds hanging by their tail feathers.
they drop each one
plopping them onto the electrical wire.
They bring back the accepted dead
the things that never really mattered
due to my naive age back then
bring back my already-sloved rubicks cube
in a most nasty mess
and like the wire
each little bird hangs - unable to fly
drooping my brow
pressing my eyes to tears
releasing the corners of my lips
into a frowning parachute
searching for a place to land
somewhere
where death of my mind
is not inevitable.

The demons
The demons
trying to dig a hole to my head
and drain my brain.
They have no purpose
other than to drag my down
destroy me.

I just want to sleep
rest in comfort of safety.
I don't want to raise a war
don't want to kindle the fight.

I just want the sun to rise.

slick as oil
oily as the world.

the thoughts can drown me
drown me in the very oil
creating those evil spirits
slipping into my ears
and I can't close my eyes
I only find more darkness
so they stay glued to position
looking for the faintest light
to save my sleep.

and by sometime my body surrenders
I find myself waking up
feeling fine, but refusing the night.

Don't force the poison down my throat
that makes me spit out disgusting lies
that scare me of my friends
and make me hate misery more.

It's all in the demons
No matter how the days go
They'll still hate me
and they find their way in
when I can't sleep at night.

I want to see your hand.

They know what they know
They know what I know
And I got so close they'll do anything
To strip me of my worth.

Oh Father, hear me now.
'Tis eventide.

Oh Canada

OH CANADA
I knew you before
But you weren't much in my mind
A place for vacation
where time would stop
and I'd lay on the beach of PEI
A place for silly accents
But that was only one side
No Canada.... before
you weren't much to me.

Moving
Finding out
You ruined my life
You took my best friends
my family
Threw them behind
Broke my home
Wiped my past
Put me on my own...
like college two years early.

High school became nothing
Give up, give up
it won't matter
you're moving.

So excited for the movement
for something new
Took way too much for granted
much more than I knew
I just smiled
I'm leaving! Hoorah!
Watching them all cry
feeling terrible inside
I became "the traitor"
until I reached the Loyalist soil
and once again became the enemy.

I thought it as a pit stop
a stop
a drop
a roll
no point
to anything
anything at all
two years was nothing
I just refused to care
I belonged somewhere else
but had a purpose to serve.

OH CANADA
you took everything from me
everything
everything
besides necessities....
you took everything
that made my identity.
everything and made it worse.
I had nothing.
I didn't want anything either.
"Why make friends when you'll only leave them?"
And it's true
I'm only leaving you
Going back to the old ones.

But Canada....
as much as you know me.
you've given me more,
additions to myself
renovations to show the past
what I've become
become something more
with a future that at first did not exist.

Oh Canada
your blessing
to know what matters most
to fortify my testimony
of my being
who I am.

Dear America,
I've missed you.
That psycho. sense of being free
My flag, my country, my sweet love
Where I'm loyal through as blue is true
Where I can see the stars
And remember those red stripes.
Where my roots lie.

Oh Canada
you improved
in my mind
a different life
where I belong no where
My home is the world
Everyone is a friend

Oh Canada
sometimes I really hate you
but I've come to learn to love you
and thank you
and thank you
Thank You.

Like a Pit Stop
short
yet necessary
to prepare me
for the future.

So how is Canada?
It's okay,
but so is the USA. ;]
(I'm all in for Hong Kong! hahaha jk)

Name

I.
Your whole identity
I can write it
Then erase it
Fearing its existence
To knowing eyes

Why can't it stay?
I'm embarrassed
Acknowledging
You're in my thoughts
Write it over and over
Just to erase
Because it brings you there

It reveals a drawer
Files of memories
Yet no physical presence

It's just some letters
Organized
Attractive ways
Forming clumps
Characters
With characteristics
Your very being
Locked inside

Don't let them see
I've written a page
Full of your name.

II.
A list
Unorganized alphabet
Figure
Nothing
Numbers without explanation
Who could live in that label
Graphite squiggles
Mean what to me

Without it, you're _______
Without you, it's _______

So many lives
Live in a list of names
Names
Names
Each is a link
To a whole separate web page

But here
Unknown
Just names
Nothing.

III.
When you're not here
When I'm alone
I'll write it
and write it
and write it
and write it
and write it
Like grabbing air
While in a dream
For something so real
Just not there
To put you
Write in front of me
When you're not.

Home

Not one place
One town
One street
One house
One country
One family

Mine is somewhere distant
Where I was born
Where I was raised
Where I grew up
Where I live now
Where I will go

It is a memory or even a dream
Tropical island
Mountainous fortress
Trees with ocean breeze
Winter igloo

I can't point to a spot on a map
Nor to the suitcase I pull around
Nor my photo album

So where do I go when I want to go home?
With the people I love
Who love me the most
A place I can't describe
It's just where I am loved
Where I can go for peace
And for comfort
For a good time
Where I feel understood

My home is this world
The sky all above
And a heart deep inside.

Hong Kong

Provo

South Jordan

Springville

Sandy

Medfield

Leaside

Different

I am different
Let's just say
I
handle
see
feel
hear
speak
think
taste
experience
things in different ways

I've got this name to prove likewise
That I am much different from you guys
And this name has followed
Generations from before
of similar, peculiar people
with
enthusiasm
quirks
desire
weaknesses
dedication
flaws
motivation
challenges
processes
like me.

Yet my difference separates me still, with the present
I try to connect with the past
But I am still alone, it seems sometimes
As I read back and relate
That this line of people
kind of like me
only come one at a time.

So here I am, alone
Here I am, I'm different
That's all there is to understand.
(but we can still be friends...
because you're different,too)

Joseph Smith

Great Great Great Great Grandfather John Rowe Moyle

The Future Ahead

I wonder I wonder
what will come next
what waits in the next chapter
around the next bend
it could be a RAPTOR!
or a great friend
I wonder I wonder
what will come next

to be from somewhere
with immovable roots
I wonder with what
could I travel with solid stone boots
or to sail around oceans
and fly in great planes
to travel all over
scattering my name

who could I meet
or how will things be
will I leave a trail
or will it disappear
right behind me?
will anyone follow
or lead the way
will I be on my own
til the end of the day?

or will my arms be full
with guidance at my side
can I keep going
without wanting to hide?

I wonder I wonder
what will come next
around that curve, that bend, that fence
will there be only hellos
or sweet sad good byes
can I make it on my own?

where will these maps take me
where will the compass point
I need that sweet feeling
the make me weak in the joint
make me crack
and even fall
to my knees and pleas

what will they say?
what dangers lay ahead?
I need that soft whisper
planted deep in my head

and I'll write down my stories
my sorrows
my glories
and picture
my memories
into albums for you
for you to remember
me back when
I said

I wonder I wonder
what will come next.

T's and Q's for You

The things we know
The seeds we sow
In hope that spring comes soon

I stand high as I can
I know who I am
But times on my own
Get hard all alone
I need you here to be
That growing strength in me
For I am a rock
Rolling up
On His mountain

The things that we know
Things that don’t matter
I see with new eyes
A sun is blossoming inside

And all I desire
Is to rise
Rise
Rise
To meet that morning.

Starting Three Times

starting
starting
starting
at the ground
three times
wait, no four
four black coals separated on the ground
growing
growing
growing
up from their points
like stumps
to logs
to trees
with brown leaves
connecting them together
cascading down the legs
one here, one there
OH one's flying in the air
and up and up and UP it goes
that trunk to a place where no one knows
I thought I'd seen it stop
but my eyes could reach no further
so I clambered into my private plane
check the engine, on, let's go
starting
starting
starting
up and up and up
up to the top of the atmosphere where this trunk stopped
looking back at me
two sparkling ebony eyes
blinking
saying hello so kindly
"I am a giraffe"
the end

Dear Friend,

My body and soul
Unlike the waves or the wind
that cease to stay here with me.
I want to feel what you feel
see what you see
be what you are
And likewise you to me.

I want there to be no questions
no doubt
no worry or assumptions
"judge not"

Be the stamina in me
to keep me going
motivated
Be the logic
to check and balance me
The exemplar
to keep my integrity
my faith.

goodbye to SMJ

so this is goodbye
like a message in a bottle
departing 'cross the ocean
waving "so long"

you're off to distant places
where I may never see you again
but maybe years from now
you'll wash up on my shore
those memories to reread

for you are just some grains of sand
out of many people
sitting on this beach

so off you go
in your glass bottle
tainted with sunlight
from a world I can't enter
out of my eye
behind my earth
like our faded star
you go
you go
farewell
and goodbye.

Sundance in the Rain

dump, dull, monochromatic
depressed
sprinkle turns to drizzle
rain into deluge
locking your limbs to the ground
paralyzing pressure keeps you down
like trying to escape
from a form fitting elastic bag
efforts to push or break free
only wasted time and energy
what goes out, only comes back
trapped in the downpour
old sorrows
recurring
so much so you can't differentiate
your tears and the rain drops
the blues and blacks of the scene
are dying your skin
until you blend in

in frustration, and angry
force your hand up
then with a flash of light it's down again
this discovery
try again
flash of light, then down once more
you've been covering your light
so self-consumed
in your own dying womb
try again and again and again
up and down, smacking violently with elasticity
"Let me keep the light!"
shatters your concrete scowl
splurging other colors out
dripping that complexion
there's a puddle of red and orange
accumulating below your crouching gargoyle silhouette

smidgen sense of relief
change in the tides
those sound waves giving strength
forming an umbrella to shelter from the rain
rising to all fours
mirrors in the puddles
you're so unphased, staring back
until the mixing colors paint a memory
that carves a grin
SPLASH!
yellow and green
refresh, and chain reaction
pink and purple
your smiles and laughs
unplug the light hole
sunlight draining in
you realize your efforts to escape
successfully mastered
and with arms out, and standing
flying colors
like feathers in your headdress
sundance
sundance
sundance the rain away.

Goes a little something like this...

your smell is still lingering on my skin
creeping through my memory in-
side of me, to the side you stand
right next to me, kissing my hand-
in hand, my hand, a token of love
love of a best friend
love of a sun
love to a mother's lover's
daughter's child
father's son
sunshine
boy do you shine
like summer's noonday

the way my hand on you is fitting-
into this dress is so comforting
knowing you're mine, my best friend-
to the end you, my partner in love
love of a best friend
love of a sun
love to a mother's lover's
daughter's child
father's son
sunshine
boy do you shine
like the flash in the photo booth

Oh Rebekah

Oh Rebekah
the moments that you catch
attach
they snatch
and cling
to the mind inside this head
focus, snap, and shoot
photo on your lap
like you could almost feel it with your hands
but with your eyes instead

Oh Rebekah
the views that display
in my mind will play
like people on a carousel
going round and round
up and down
circulating
like blood in my body

You snap
they latch
your photos sing.

The Misery Poem

Dear "friend,"
I hope you like guilt trips,
this is a one-way ticket.
Keep you hands and feet
inside the vehicle,
you're not getting out.
You think that I could send you here
but that defeats my purpose.
Misery I send to you
and you and you and you
poo you.
Yes, I'm a miserable lump
just rotting over here
letting my putrid stench drift
in the directions of those
who never visit me.
my misery wants company.